Mulan: Okay, okay, how 'bout this? Ahem, [in her manly voice] excuse me,where do I sign in? Hah, I see you have a sword. I have one too. They'revery manly and tough [Mulan bites her lip as she mishandles pulling the swordout of the scabbard and it falls to the ground. Khan rolls on his back inlaughter. Mulan throws her shoe and hits Khan in the head with it quietingKhan]. I'm working on it. Who am I fooling? It's going to take a miracle toget me into the army.
[Mushu appears as a giant shadow being cast on a rock with flames on eitherside. Mushu's real appearance remains out of sight]
Mushu [in a Southern Baptist Preacher's voice]: Did I hear someone ask for amiracle!? Let me hear you say aye!
Mulan [Running and hiding behind a rock]: Ahhhhhh.
Mushu: That's close enough.
Mulan [from behind a rock]: Ghost.
Mushu: Get ready Mulan your serpentine salvation is at hand. For I havebeen sent by your ancestors-- [notices Cri-Kee making a hand shadow of adragon on the rock and stamps him down with his foot] to guide you throughyour masquerade. [bending down to Cri-Kee] C'mon, you're gonna stay you'regonna work. [returning to Mulan] Heed my word, 'cause if the army finds outthat you are a girl, the penalty is death. [big flames shoot up from therocks]
Mulan: Who are you?
Mushu: Who am I? Who am I? I am the guardian of lost souls. [Mulan smilesbig in anticipation of seeing her guardian] I am the powerful, thepleasurable, the indestructible [coming out from the rocks to show his realsize] Mushu! Oh hah, hah, pretty hot, huh? [Khan stomps on Mushu. Mulanpushes Khan back]
Mulan: Ah, my ancestors sent a little lizard to help me?
Mushu: Hey, dragon, dragon, not lizard. I don't do that tongue thing [flipsout his tongue to show Mulan what he means].
Mulan: You're uh...
Mushu: Intimidating? Awe inspiring?
Mulan [making a hand gesture to denote his smallness of size]: Tiny.
Mushu [with a look of disappointment]: Of course. I'm travel size for yourconvenience. If I was my real size, your cow here [patting Khan on the nose]would die of fright. [Khan tries to bite Mushu] [pointing to the groundspeaking to Khan] Down Bessy. My powers are beyond your mortal imagination. For instance, [leaning in and looking at Mulan's chest] my eyes can seestraight through your armor. [Mulan cover her bust with her left arm andslaps Mushu with the right] Ow. [angrily] All right, that's it! Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family. [aside to Cri-Kee] Make a note of this[Cri-Kee grabs a leaf and a pen and starts writing]. [Loudly with gusto]Dishonor on you. Dishonor on your cow. Dis-
Mulan [pleadingly while covering Mushu's mouth]: Stop! I'm sorry, I'm sorry[kneeling down in front of Mushu]. I'm just nervous. I've never done thisbefore.
Mushu: Then you're gonna have to trust me. And don't you slap me no more, weclear on that? [Mulan nods emphatically]. All right. Okey dokey, let's getthis show on the road. Cri-Kee, get the bags [Mushu starts walking to thecamp]. [to Khan] Let's move it heifer.
[Cut to Mulan at the camp's entrance]
Mushu [hiding in Mulan's armor poking his head out from her back]: Okay thisis it, time to show 'em your man walk. Shoulders back, chest high, feetapart, head up [Mushu pulls Mulan's head back] ...and strut 2, 3, break itdown, 2, 3 and work it, [Mulan walks into the camp drawing the attention themen who see her. Mulan walks into a tent and sees a man picking his nose andanother man picking out dirt from between his toes with chopsticks] Beautifulisn't it?
Mulan [making a face of disgust and continuing to walk]: They're disgusting.
Mushu: No, they're men. And you're going to have to act just like them, sopay attention.
[Mulan stops and watches Yao, Ling, Chien-Po and Tattoo Soldier]
Tattoo Soldier [showing the dragon tattoo on his chest and belly]: Look, thistattoo will protect me from harm.
[Yao thinks for a moment, then punches Tattoo Soldier in the stomach causingLing to laugh. Mulan watches in utter amazement. Yao kisses his hand]
Ling [laughing]: I hope you can get your money back.
Mulan: I don't think I can do this.
Mushu: It's all attitude. Be tough like this guy here [looking at Yao].
[Mulan looks at Yao as he hocks up a loogie and spits]
Yao [noticing Mulan watching him]: What are you looking at?
Mushu: Punch him, it's how men say 'hello.'
[Mulan looks at her fist, then punches Yao from behind on the shoulder. Theforce causes Yao to run into Chien-Po]
Chien-Po: Oh Yao, you made a friend.
Mushu: Good, Now slap him on the behind, they like that.
[Mulan slaps Yao on the behind]
Yao: Wu hoo hooooo. [grabbing Mulan buy the collar] I'm going to hit you sohard it'll make your ancestors dizzy.
Chien-Po [Holding and picking up Yao]: Yao, relax and chant with me. Yaaaaaaa Moouuuu Ahhhhhh Doooou Fuuuu Daaaaa. Yao: Ya Mi Ah To Fu Da.
Chien-Po: Feel better?
Yao [relaxed]: Yeah. [Chien-Po places Yao back on the ground] [to Mulanwhile walking away] Aaaaa, you ain't worth my time chicken boy.
Mushu [loudly]: Chicken boy!? Say that to my face ya limp noodle!
[Yao grabs Mulan by the collar cocking back his arm to punch. Mulan ducks asYao hits Ling standing behind her]
Yao: Oh, sorry Ling. Hey!
[Yao grabs Mulan's foot as she starts to crawl away. Ling kicks Yao on the butt causing him to land on Chien-Po's stomach. Ling Jumpattacks Mulan, but she ducks and he lands on Yao on top of Chien-Po]
Ling: You're dead. [They fight on top of Chien-Po. Mulan runs away. Ling notices Mulan and then points toward her] Oh, there he goes.
[Mulan runs into a tent and stops. Yao, Ling, and Chien-Po (in that order) run through the tent. Yao stops short as he is about to run into asoldier in a line for food. He looks behind him with concerned eyes as Ling stops in time. Chien-Po bumps into Ling causing the entire lineof soldiers to fall forward and knock over the pot of congee and the cook behind it. The men look to the back of the line and spy Mulan whohas emerged from the tent. They angrily start walking towards her. Mulan has a look of horror on her face as if trouble is about to brew]
Mulan: Hey guys.
[Chi Fu watches and then walks into the tent. General Li and Li Shang are in the tent.]
General Li [motioning with his pointer to a map of the region]: The Huns have struck here, here and here. I will take the main troops up tothe Tung Shao Pass and stop Shan-Yu before he destroys this village.
Chi Fu: Excellent strategy, Sir. I do love surprises, Ha ha, ha, ha.
General Li: You will stay here and train the new recruits. When Chi Fu believes you're ready, you will join us...Captain. [General Li handsa sword to Shang]
Shang: Captain?
Chi Fu: Oh, this is an enormous responsibility, General. Uh, perhaps a soldier with more experience--
General Li: Number one in his class, extensive knowledge of training techniques, [leaning back smugly stroking his chin] an impressivemilitary lineage. I believe Li Shang will do an excellent job.
Shang [excitedly]: Oh, I will. I wont let you down. This is, I mean, I...[somberly] yes sir.
General Li [gets up and starts walking out of the tent]: Very good then. We'll toast China's victory at the Imperial City. [to Chi Fu] I'llexpect a full report in three weeks.
Chi Fu [to Shang]: And I wont leave anything out. [exits through the tent]
Shang [while tying his sword to his uniform]: Captain Li Shang, Hmmm, leader of China's finest troops. No, the GREatest troops of all time. Heh, heh, heh, heh. [Shang walks out of the tent to see the recruits fighting. He stands stage left of Chi Fu and General Li. Injured Recruitsees the General and salutes him as he falls to the ground. General Li steps over Injured Recruit and mounts his horse]
Chi Fu: Most impressive.
General Li: Good luck Captain. [The general and his mounted troops leave the camp]
Shang [quietly, to himself]: Good luck, Father. [Shang looks at his troops and sighs]
Chi Fu [smirking, with board and brush in hand]: Day one.
Shang [shouting]: Soldiers!
All Recruits [backing away revealing Mulan and pointing at her. Mulan is crouching in the fetal position on the ground]: He started it!
[Shang approaches Mulan and looks down over her. Mulan looks up, sees Shang over top of her and gets up quickly dusting herself off]
Shang [to Mulan]: I don't need anyone causing trouble in my camp!
Mulan: Sorry, [in her man voice] Uhh, I mean, sorry you had to see that. [with her fist she taps Shang on the shoulder] You know how it iswhen you get those, uh [pounding her chest] manly urges and you just have to kill something [slapping her hand], fix things, uh, cookoutdoors.
Shang: What's your name?
Mulan [stumbling]: Ahh, I, uhhh, I, uh--
Chi Fu [stepping into Mulan's face]: Your commanding officer just asked you a question.
Mulan: Uhh, I've got a name. Huh. And it's a boys name too.
Mushu [from the back of Mulan]: Ling, How 'bout Ling?
Mulan [to Mushu motioning with her head to Ling]: His name's Ling.
Shang: I didn't ask for his name. I asked for yours.
Mushu: Try, uh, ahh, Chu!
Mulan: Ah Chu.
Shang: Ah Chu?
Mushu: Gesundheit. He He, I kill myself.
Mulan [whispering over her shoulder]: Mushu.
Shang: Mushu?
Mulan: No.
Shang: Then what is it!
Mushu: Ping! Ping was my best friend growing up!
Mulan: It's Ping.
Shang: Ping.
Mushu: Of course Ping DID steal my gir-[Mulan reaches back and grabs holds Mushu's mouth together]
Mulan: Yes, my name is Ping.
Shang: Let me see your conscription notice. [Takes the notice from Mulan] Fa Zhou, *the* Fa Zhou?
Chi Fu: I didn't know Fa Zhou had a son.
Mulan: Um, he...doesn't talk about me much. [Mulan tries to hawk up a loogie and spit but the saliva just runs from her mouth. Therecruits laugh]
Chi Fu: I can see why, the boy's an absolute lunatic.
Shang [to the recruits]: Okay gentlemen, thanks to your new friend Ping, you'll spend tonight picking up every single grain of rice. Andtomorrow, the real work begins.
[All recruits growl at Mulan]
Mushu [Popping out the front of Mulan's armor]: You know, we have to work on your people skills.
[Cut to Mulan sleeping in her tent. Mushu winds up Cri-Kee's wings. Cri-Kee rings like an alarm clock]
